Defining a truly talented and accomplished comedian, ever since the comedy trade sprung to glory and started minting for the comedians, has continued to be an elusive notion. Because, even when many critiques say the Ugandan comedians recycle jokes, the comedians will defend themselves with the statement that they do so in different places to different audiences. They always have an excuse to defend their failure to craft new jokes. The judgement therefore, rests on their ability to use current situations to craft jokes. Many have, as predicted, failed to work with even jokes that are given to them on a silver platter by the ever dramatic politic campaigns.
But not comedian, Prince Emmah alias Napoleone Emmah. He continues to define what comedy is by living it. By joking about everything there is. His Facebook page is hastily growing in hits not because he is inviting people, but rather, because of the fresh jokes he cracks everyday. His great command of the queen’s language only helps for the eloquence of the jokes. A stance that has had many wondering; Could he be the funniest comedian in the country right now?
Below are some of his originally crafted online Jokes. Stroll through, and perhaps, you will understand where we come from.
Banange today i took a seat in a taxi, when i looked down i saw a 50k note…someone must have dropped it. I stepped on it and after like 5min i heard no one asking for it so i dropped a hankie down and quickly picked it and told the conductor “mumasawo” then quickly jumped out before the owner could ask for their money..i had taken long this Jan without eating chikoko at Mr Tasty at Shoprite Lugogo. so i rushed there and ordered for fries and 4 pieces of Chicken which comes with a coke @ 45k, i gave the waitress a tip of 5k to show mbu sitya loss.
Friends Can u imagine after eating i realized that when i left home i actually had 50k note in my pocket which was meant to clear water bills and Yaka and now i can’t see it…”
“Eh..January poverty is real…alaaaaaaa..
I have just come across a nigga (dressed in a suit)… chewing sugarcane while sipping mineral water.”
“Girls’ love also comes with an expiry date.
In the early days she will go against the world to defend you.
You hear statements like, “Leave me alone, he is my choice….he may be short but when he stands on his wallet he is tall.” blah blah.
Let the love expire…hooooo….she even provokes you.
You are watching a movie together and she sees Ramsey Nouah and goes like, “Aaaaawww look at Ramsey, such a hunk aaaawww….look at his nose, so small and cute..”, yet she is seated with a Sendaula or a Kiyingi whose nose looks like a subwoofer….mmmsscxwrrr
naye some people have noses eh!! you look at the nose and wonder, “Could this be the so called Noah’s Ark where all animals entered in pairs?”
“But Baryamureeba is funny. Every time he mentions that he will win the election, he looks like he is fighting to contain laughter.”
“On a serious note, this thing of Bazungu not knowing how do dance is no longer funny.
A muzungu gets on the dance floor and you think he is being stung by bees or is having an epilepsy attack.
It’s worsened by Ugandan DJs…these guys are so good…they can turn a song into a remix then remix the remix back to the original…and all these time a muzungu is trying to catch up.
Whenever a muzungu changes strokes, something falls from the pockets…first stroke…a wallet falls, next stroke…lodge keys fall…then the hunkie falls…passport falls…(for some reason the dollars never fall.)
The way things keep falling I think next time bazungu are dancing there should a warning like “BEWARE OF FALLING DEBRIS”
THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
(How it would be.)
MODERATOR: You are all welcome dear candidates, the audience here and ofcourse the audience at home or wherever.
My name is Ehmah Napoleone, I am your moderator tonight.
Candidates, you each have 40 seconds to introduce yourself and what you can best be known as/for.
MODERATOR NAPOLEONE: Let’s start in Alphabetical order…Abed, you go first.
BWANIKA: My name is Abed Bwanika, I have been on the ballot paper many times but you keep making me the last, please help me this time I also beat Maureen Kyalya or Joseph Mabirizi.
BARYAMUREEBA: I am Venansius Baryamureeba, former Vice Chancellor Makerere University.
(…..others introduced themselves here….)
MBABAZI: I am Amama Mbabazi, my stage name is JPAM. Former Super Minister and Prime Minister of Uganda.
BESIGYE: One Uganda, One People.
My name is Kizza Besigye, former stage name was “nyondo,” now I am called the People’s President a.k.a Toka kwa barabara.
MUSEVENI: In 1935 I met my OBs, Shaka Zulu and Bushman, and we decided to launch a guerrilla war called “The Gods Must Be Crazy.” He decided to defy the war by going naked so I said…….(interrupted by Besigye…)
BESIGYE: Moderator Napoleone, is this man telling us his names or he is reading his biography?
MUSEVENI: My friend, be careful…last time I told Mbabazi not to touch the anus of a leopard…for you I will tell you, don’t touch the penis of a giraffe.
BARYAMUREEBA: Moderator Napoleone, is it order for the debater to use words like anus and penis?
MUSEVENI: Shut up, I gave you to manage Makerere University kindergarten and you failed, you only equipped them with skills to leak nude pics.
MABIRIZI: Moderator Napoleone, you are letting Museveni disorganise the debate.
MUSEVENI: Who is this man, is he also a candidate?
(After being told he is a candidate…Sevo says):
Hahah, I thought he was the head of Security for Maureen Kyalya.
MAUREEN: Guys, my head is itching, let me go and remove my weave.
BESIGYE: We shall win by defiance, One Uganda One People.”
“So…while moving around Kisaasi/Ntinda trynna find a Kindergarten for Whitney-my little superstar, I go to a school, introduce myself and my reason for being there. I then ask them to take me around.
One lady said, “I am one of the teachers but the teacher supposed to take you around has just went out.”
I said, “She has what?” She replied, “Went out,” then proceeded to ask, “Can I take you around?”
I replied, “Since the teacher incharge has went out let me also went then I will came back later.” She said, “Okay sir.”
I walked out with imaginations of Whitney coming back home and telling me, “Daddy, tomorrow we shall went to school for yesterday.”
I sat outside the school-gate and cried for one minute, then went to buy a rolex.
“The coming of Baryamureeba into politics where his name is known by everyone has spoilt things for us the UVB (Uganda Vibing Brigade). Back in the day no one knew that name and we used it to vibe girls.
You know, Kyambogo babes are very easy to vibe so long as you sound sophisticated and philosophical.
A guy would just tell a girl, “According to Venacius Baryamureeba, a German Philosopher, the human brain is intertwined with the calligraphic melancholy of a hydrochloric judiciary leading to antagonistic mascara.”
Immediately the girl would give you her heart, her soul, her kidneys, her liver, and a few other delicious parts which I can’t mention.
Naye nowdays , apaana….you just start, “According to Venacious Barya, a German Philosopher…” the chic says, “Ssebo, first wait…This Baryamureeba who is going to be the last in the coming elections, when did he become German??
And, just like that, you miss an opportunity to “Go and multiply”…as written in the Bible, chapter 6 verse 12.”
“But…let me ask.
These pastors I see getting married every weekend…when they were vibing their women, were they also using those words that we sinners use?
Do they also deceive someone that her eyes remind him of Angelina Jolie (even if the eyes are for Agnes Nandutu)??
And when it comes to “wale-wale”…do they first apologise to God becoz they are going to sin, are they shy (in that they cover their faces with their hands when kissing?)
When they take that romantic shower together, do they cover their bodies with towels/gowns…to avoid seeing nakedness, which is a sin?
As in…how is it for those chaps?
Helepu a bulaaza tu andastan ziz singis (in Tamale Mirundi’s voice)”
“But I think there is a connection between brokenness and horn…that’s why chaps in the village produce a lot of kids and have several women.
Where I live currently there is a guy who has no job, and hustles thru his days.
But the chap finds a way to chew a skirt everyday (makes me jealous by the way.)…the bu gals I call to wash for me…swiiii, the ka gal who brings me food…swii, the ka gal who had come to ask for a job ( as a maid)…swii.
The other day he saw chicken doing their Wale-wale and trust me, the chap got a “political instability” in his “Electoral Commission.”
Yesterday I got a skirt and tied it on a nearby tree…believe me I saw the guy moving round the tree asking, “Is this a tree, is this a girl?”
You girls who go to Facebook or Whatsapp to leak yo nude pics…we appreciate your efforts to give us Optical Nutrition and Crop Rotation of the Eyes.
But pliz when you are leaking the pics…maybe instead of applying “Filter” on yo face, you shd apply it on …..yes, that one, the one you leak. Ok let me call it “Ntwingili.”
Some one leaks a photo and you see the Ntwingili needs help from the Ministry of Disaster Preparedness!
You see it and immediately go like, “Damn, this ntwingili needs a Nalubaale Medal on Heroes Day because it looks like a War Veteran that’s fought many battles.”
I even start imagining it was among the 27 who went to the bush to liberate Uganda.
If I was into advertising I would come up with something like….”Leila Kayondoooo, a sign that some kids were breastfed on cooking oil.” hehehe. Wama Happy Nu Ya.
“But these people who call for wedding meetings in January…are you terrorists?
People are selling Power Banks, GOtv decoders, Brazilian hair from China…just to raise transport back to Kampala and you want them for a wedding meeting?
Some people are even selling non-existent things! A guy called me saying, “Napoleone, do you have like a ka 30k and I give you these Roman Numerals?” I told him, “I have enough Roman Numerals, maybe you give me Logarithms and a Pie Chart.” He got annoyed and blacklisted my number.
Otherwise Good Morning friends, I love you all. ~Napoleone~”
“And these Kisaasi/Ntinda restaurants have done it to me again….shutting down on such a day. Last Christmas I offered to mop the house of any good Samaritan who offered me food…but my friend alaaaaaa, this Samaritan was not good…They made me mop the house, polish their shoes, lay their beds and remove cobwebs. Then they summarized by making me bathe their pussies (I mean young pussy cats)….all because of just lunch!!!!
Then they had a parrot that kept shouting at me, “Black black black…” (in Mickie Wine’s voice).
Maybe I shd go back to Kireka…oba I just “put a ring on it”…otherwise this hunger, I might even fry my cushions and boil the DVD player.”
“Eh! This rain was brought to you by David & Goliath, in conjunction with Rock Boom and Mulondo Chewing Center.
As I type this, am stuck in a trench in Ntinda…looking for my Exhaust Pipe…and a campuser bypassed me in the trench…she was looking for her wig.”
Salvado: Gwe Doli, are Kawunyemu chaps on the roads?
Dolibondo: (Drunk) yeth zey have thtarted working.
Salvado: How is Jinja Road?
Dolibondo: It is tarmacked.”