By Solomon Muleyi
KCCA Executive director’s daughter Esther Chanelle Musisi has been the talk of town for the past week. Given that her mother, Janipher Musisi is a no-no-sense kind of woman, you would expect her to bring up the daughter in a similar way. Except, she is a free soul. Esther Channelle Musisi emulates her mother’s serious persona by being an entrepreneur and by owning a heavy bank account. But like any other girl, she has a taste for an exquisite life and letting her friends know. And because of that, photos of her posing in different clothes, especially flaunting her curvaceous body, have made their way to the cyber lanes to incite a number of discussions among men in Kampala. The most prominent discussion however, has been that she is a beauty; with a body to die for. But more than that is that dating her would come with a number of benefits to the lucky male soul that manages to charm his way into her skirt. And we help list them (benefits) for you.
Kickstarting your non-existent political career
Dating her will get you all the political posts there is in your home district/village. Because then, all your relatives from Masaka, Kiryandongo or whichever shags it is that you hail will exalt you. For, courtesy of your relationship with the KCCA ED’s daughter, they will be the only traders allowed on the Kampala streets to vend their onions and Mandazi and Ensenene and plastics that crease at the slightest contact with sunlight. And for that, you will get the post of MP, C.A.O, LC1-5 and C.E.O of the entire village Saccos. You will have arrived brother. You will have become a legend in your village and the neighboring areas. Your name will be one talked about with respect. Heck, your clan will be made royal even if there are no kingdoms in your village. All because one day, when crushing a birthday party, you were thrust under the throes of a drunken stupor and walked up to a random hot girl with the body of a Munyankore goddess at a place like say, Mist Bar at Serena and said uncoordinated words. Words that didn’t make sense but they were funny. And she kept you around for amusement, except, the same liquor would later take it’s toll on her and your ugly basin-like nose would suddenly look cute. And she would fall in love with your nose. And like that, history will be written both in your village and in Kampala. She will be known as the girl who fell in love with an ugly nose, and you on the other side of the red sea, would be known as the Big Nose Legend of Kiryandongo.
Acquiring the name Musisi
Her mother is, without a doubt, a strong woman. Many men in this our lovely city will insist on replacing the word ‘strong’ with ‘bully’ but this is Kampala and she is the owner (so we won’t). She owns you and all of your girlfriends. If for instance, you were dating her daughter and you ditched her for a girl who owns a shop on Pioneer mall. One day, out of boredom (because perhaps, Lord Mayor, Erias Lukwago knows that tear gas is real and is behaving) and other sophisticated environmental legal terms, she will choose to just as well demolish the mall because it’s small and untidy and makes her daughter claustrophobic when she is shopping at your new girlfriend’s shop. But think of things on the flip side, the lighter shade of it. Dating her and proposing marriage. She will say yes to you, but not to your ancestral name. Which is a good and bad thing at the same time. Bad because you will have been stripped of your manhood and all us, ‘real’ men out here in Kampala will cringe in disgust and take to the streets around the would-be-now-defunct Pioneer mall to demonstrate with the words; “BRING BACK MUZAMIIRU” emblazoned on our placards. And good because you will have acquired the name; “Musisi”. That name is big in this city ‘bruh’. You will easily get out of Kawunyemu (drunk-driving) scuffles with the police even when the breathalyzer scale surpasses the drunk mark before it’s brought to your mouth, by just saying; “look here Afande, my name is Muzamiiru Musisi. The husband to the daughter of Janipher Musisi, the KCCA ED aka Nankulu aka Erias Lukwago’s wildest, worst most stubborn nightmare. I own you, and you, and your family in this city.” And they will timidly amble away, their legs heavy with disappointment. Feeling cold and feminine because you just took away their most prized possession; the ability to bark and spew wrong uncoordinated Kiswahili directed at scaring and perplexing coy victims before gripping them by their belts and dragging them to the Kabangali (that’s how those Luganda TV reporters refer to the police patrol car.) And you will wear that presidential candidate Elton Mabirizi smile and mutter to yourself; “yeah, I thought so.”
Marrying in Riches
According to close friends, Esther Chanelle Musisi owns quite a number of businesses in town except she keeps them out of the public’s know. Even when her best friend, Cynthia Nakiranda dismissed the story that Channelle Musis co-owns her shop, Hallo collections on Kisementi, Kamwokya, she still has a number of money-garnering tricks up her sleeve. Which means, that if you dated her, you would not only have a rich mind for a girlfriend, you will also have tapped into the riches that flow out of the Musisi family.
Eating like a man.
There is a popular adage in the Baganda that says; “Work like a man and eat like a man.” Dating Esther Channele Musisi is many a man’s fantasy. But not many men in this dusty city of ours have half the guts to walk up to her and say; “hullo, your body is doing justice to that dress. I want to sit somewhere conducive and discuss the climate of Kampala especially with you walking around dressed like that. In fact, I want to involve-drop a big name here-, he needs to intervene in these matters. Here is my business card, and you look like you own a company. C.E.O to which company, mpozi? A business card will do thanks.”
Most of these men you see driving loud Subarus and convertible BMW’s around town are corny enough to know and use such lines. They can even say them in those confusingly exotic accents to other girls. But ask them to walk up to the KCCA ED’s daughter and say those words in their accents and they will develop lisp and stutter syndrome. Which is to relay, that wooing a girl like her isn’t a walk to the bathroom. It’s hard. And it’s downright intimidating.You are going to need all the English proverbs there is in the Encyclopedia, Bible, Quran and other wisdom books combined. You’re going to need money. And you’re going to suffer. But after your done looking at the pictures below, you will understand what I mean when I say; “Work like a man and eat like a man.”