Here is what Uganda’s broke celebrities would do if they got rich

Here is what Uganda’s broke celebrities would do if they got rich

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Being wealthy is an astonishing notion. Many think they are yet they are not. While some are working tirelessly to get there because being wealthy is the one thing every one wants to be. It changes people. Notably, however, it thrusts ashore, the most wicked of fetishes people harbor. Yet because they are wealthy, they quench these fetishes because they have the money and no one will judge them. A reason we imagined the havoc many of the Ugandan celebrities would create in the country if they ever got wealthy!
Aganaga.
He has the type of physique and facial appeal that would make money cringe in disgust. And his sense of style has him wearing the kind of clothes whose pockets are the worst habitat for money (to live and perhaps, grow). Suffice it to say, money fears Aganaga Khalifa the way Eddy Kenzo fears an English interview. But if by any chance, (miracles happen, Eddy Kenzo spoke with an American accent during his B.E.T interview albeit he was the only one who understood what he said) and yes, this is far-fetched, but if by any chance Khalifa Aganaga got rich, he would make a factory that manufactures shoes and clothes out of Timber. Knee-long Wooden shoes, hankies, shirts would be apart of the products. Oh, and after being probed by the would-be fellow tycoons like Kabonero, Sudhir and the like, he would buy cologne.
Mary Luswatta.
During her show, scoop on Scoop on Urban TV, Mary Luswatta is loud and unhinged. She lashes out at celebrities viscerally, like she’d slap them for doing the things they do if she met them in person. Like her opinions are the campus with which celebrities should lead their lives. And that attitude has garnered her many an enemy. From the celebrities to the normal downtown soul. The rogue rapper, Gravitty Omutujju recently compiled a song specifically spewing malice to Mary Luswata. Throughout the song, he seems to emphasize that she is shot, dark and Ugly (Did Mary Luswata call Gravity a monkey to deserve a full song of vitriol). So the first thing Mary Luswata would do if she got rich is cut off Gravitty Omutujju’s nether regions. She’d then pay a fortune for a surgery to grow taller and get a couple of lighter shades for her skin complexion after which she’d force Gravitty Omuttuju to record another song heaping praises for her. After that project is done, she’d become a musician, socialite, producer, and all those things the celebrities she disses do. But she wouldn’t, of course forget her favorite hobby, insulting celebrities. A reason she’d pay all the celebrities in Uganda to attend a conference that would be broadcasted live on Urban TV where she would malice and throw the wildest of profanities at all of them. She would then host Zari Hassan onto stage and ask her why her mom didn’t consult with her (Mary) when she was going to give birth to her.
Maurice Kirya.
Maurice Kirya melts hearts with his voice. But when the chicks that fall for him start dating him, they ran away so soon you ponder questioning his manners around women. Yet the only bad manners he has are making women walk and pay all the bills while he smiles and whistles his song “Busaabala”. Like the celebrity he is, he doesn’t call them back. But it’s a public secret that he has for ages, crushed over the famous NTV presenter, Flavia Tumusiime. And the crush, many bet, aggravated when she disclosed to the world how she turned down American rapper, J-Cole. So if he ever got money, he would want to acquire his one object of affection, Flavia. But as we gathered, Flavia isn’t moved by money or fame so Maurice would have to manufacture another Flavia Tumusiime. And probably use the rest of the money to start up another Sound Cup branch in his village, Pallisna.
Kabz Haloha.
If there is any young TV presenter that has taken Uganda by storm, it is Urban Tv’s Ronlad Kabuye alias Kabbz Haloha. From flying to cover shows like Zari’s white party in Dar Es Salaam, to growing the wings of his Live on the Red Carpet TV show to Rwanda and Nigeria. He is, if not the only, among the few Ugandan journalists who travelled to South Africa to cover the Mama Awards among a number of international events that have made his show a house hold name across Africa. And while his career seems to be destined for success, his personal life is the opposite. As close friends reveal that ever since he left high school at St Lawrence, all the girls he has tried to date have refused him. Many think he is probably cursed as even those that listen to him change their minds sooner than the friendship becomes a relationship. And for that, he has earned himself a nick name as the most friend zoned human being. We imagine, he is that lonely because he has a lonely pocket. A wealthy Kabbz would buy his way into many girls’ hearts for the sheer curiosity of wanting to know how it is to be a player.
He would then buy a yacht that would be, all the time, littered with girls clad in sexy Bikini wear and insist on the girls smooching him after every thirty minutes because the way he drools at girls while in bars makes him look like he has never been kissed.
Stephen Kavuma.
Stephen Kavuma was once apart of the famous Gang of four that owned, among many other businesses, bars like Silk and ran major franchises like Pam Awards. The four chaps had money and Stephen Kavuma afforded and owned a fuel Guzzler. It is living way above his income that drove him right into poverty. As a couple of years ago, he declared bankruptcy. Yet before that, he used to woo many female celebrities with the money he had. He boisterousness was however, primitive as everytime he sat inside Club Silk, he felt like the girls weren’t noticing him so many a time, he moved out and drunk tea from his fuel Guzzlers bonnet just so the girls noticed he owned the fuel guzzler. If he ever got rich again, his life wouldn’t be any different from the one he is trying to live right now. As because he was reduced to a normal worker at Club Silk, friends see him smuggling bottles of Johhnie Walker to Liquid Silk just so he can lure unsuspecting girls. If he ever got rich again, he’d manage to live on the fast lane as he s wishes.
Bebe Cool.
Bebe Cool calls himself Big Size and so many other names that exalt him even in his brokenness. Imagine a rich Bebe Cool. No, we don’t want to imagine that. The thought is terrible enough.
Dixon Bond Okello.
When the warlord, as Dixon Bond Okello, the celebrity events security manager so fondly refers to himself, is manning a concert, he is professional. All his darts at keeping everything under control are an epic albeit exaggerated emulation of James Bond, the 007 MI6 secret agent in the famous James Bond Movie franchise. He will waltz around, bellow code language through a walkie-Talkie, throw suspicious stares to everyone around and sometimes, when someone tries to steal his spotlight, he will drag them out. And probably throw a jumping round kick or more in archetypal Chinese martial art prose. All the while, working like he owns the concert. Like the gate collections will go straight to his pocket. But as evidenced by his lifestyle, they don’t. And while he has a number of assets and is deemed; “financially okay” by close friends, a stinking rich Dixon Bond Okello would be an outright irritant. He first of all, hates it that people like Bebe Cool and Chameleone are dating the women he loves. So if he got the money, he’d woo Zuena from Bebe Cool, Daniella from Chameleone, Zari from Diamond platnumz and then make all his local objects of lust like Sheeba Karungi, Irene Ntale, and all hot female already established and upcoming artists his concubines. His favorite hobby then would become to regale them with tales of how he got his nick name; “The warlord”. He’d then buy the section that manufactures Bell in the UBL factory. After which he’d buy a company that manufactures brown suits and kangaroo hats.
Sheilla Gashumba.
Sheila has suffered the wrath of haters. Most of them, girls who wish they had the popularity and mortar-mouthed father (who will never batter her but rather applaud and justify her impish feats in the eye of the public every time she commits them. Someone tell us what he said about the blankets and Wines picture of her visibly dump nether regions. That she is a baby and babies susu all the time?) she has. Her age mates loathe her because she was born with a silver spoon. And as such, when they meet her, they mock her about the things her father couldn’t grant. And while they are many, she has mostly been mocked about her flat-sized derrieres. A reason if she ever got rich, the first thing she’d do was buy the famous body enhancer company, Faco. She’d then use it to make breast enlargements, hips and make herself a booty so curvy Desire Luzinda would worship her new found sexiness. She would then hire well chiseled and handsome models to compliment her after every thirty minutes that she is sexier than Desire Luzinda and Nicki Minaj combined. The world would however, be hoping that she uses that wealth to buy her father some class.
Frank Gashumba.
It’s no longer news that Frank Gashumba loves the spotlight more than his forever teenage daughter. He loves it more than all the international musical artists combined and as such, he would do anything to stay there. He makes sure he is apart of any strike or struggle that will be publicized and where he will get to voice his opinion on media platforms. Heck, if the Pigs that are painted yellow and dropped at Parliament (as has become the cliché wielded by the opposition supporters), demonstrated about violation of their rights, he would get his bald head a yellow tint and hit the streets to demonstrate with them. Such is the drama that a poor Gashumba wields. So imagine him in actual wealth. Imagine Gashumba at the same level with Sudhir in terms of Bank accounts and assets. Uganda would become a hard place to leave. He would buy all the TV stations in the country and coerce all the pay TV’S to sell him shares so that he could air 5 hour Talk Shows about anything and everything but especially, his daughter Sheilla Gashumba being a model child that should be idolized in the whole of Africa. After that, he would bribe authorities such that he wins awards on platforms like B.E.T, The Grammies, all of the awards in Uganda and reinstate Pam Awards just so he could win them too. While his daughter, Sheilla Gashumba would, under the same routine, win Miss Uganda, Miss Africa and all the beauty pageants his father knows about. You don’t want Gashumba rich.

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